Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Princesses don't give blow jobs
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
