i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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