Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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