Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
