moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
