So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
