he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
