Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Randomize