Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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