Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
