I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
