Betty ford says i'm here all night
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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