And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
