Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
