fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
