I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
