checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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