Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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