she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
