i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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