I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There r osticjed everywhere
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
