wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
