i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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