they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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