maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
