i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
