my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
