Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
