Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
