Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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