After last night, I could never be a politician.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
