i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
