They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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