You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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