If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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