When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The air taste purple.
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