oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
