Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
