3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
