i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
