my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
