Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
