dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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