I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
