Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
NoShamevember. You game?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
