how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have already put on my inside pants.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
