forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
i think my cat just said my name.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
