I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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