I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize