oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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