the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Girls should come with a carfax report
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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