Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
