the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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