as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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