I can text with my tongue
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
