Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
