I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
