i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
