She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
