At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
